“There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.” - Dale Carnegie
Effective communication is a key element for success in your personal and professional lives. Whether you are in a leadership position or in a romantic relationship, successfully exchanging ideas and feelings is always a challenge and a lifelong learning process.
Here are some key elements of effective communication :
Fundamentals of good communication
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”- Dale Carnegie
In his classic work “How To Win Friends & Influence People”, Dale Carnegie presents a number of fundamental techniques in handling people. These 3 had the biggest impact on me:
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Regardless of your intention, good or bad, nobody likes to be criticized. Instead, trying to understand why people do what they do will produce sympathy and, in the end, far better results. In the same way, if someone talks negatively behind someone else’s back, I always assume they’ll do the same behind my back and invite them to look for the positive aspects. If really necessary, use an indirect, subtle approach to call attention to people’s mistakes. For example, if your daughter is wearing a dirty T-shirt and torn jeans, an indirect approach could be to tell her how amazing she looked in that dress last week and how great it would make you feel if she would put that on again.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Heartfelt, direct, and positive feedback is the best way to elevate people and make them truly want to do anything. Never include a “but” in your positive feedback. If you tell your kids “I love how you did well on your French test but you should try to do better on math next time”, do you really think they will be inspired?
3. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. A great compliment you can give to someone is to make them feel important. Preparing your conversation by looking for their specific points of interest will allow you to raise their enthusiasm, break down any barriers, and see things from their perspective. Present your ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most importantly, in the context of a deep understanding of other people’s thoughts and concerns.
Empathic listening
“The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone, it’s that you fully, deeply understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.” – Stephen Covey
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is one of my core values and guiding principles in life and work. Dr. Covey gives the following key elements of empathic listening in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”:
1. Listen with your ears, but also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You sense, you intuit, you feel.
2. Don’t rush in or try to fix things up with good advice. Take the time to deeply understand the problem first instead of thinking about a solution while the other is still talking.
3. Get inside the other person’s frame of reference. See the world the way they see the world, understand how they feel.
4. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem-solving. This need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life.
5. Empathic listening is also risky. It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox, in a sense, because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced. That means you have to really understand.
Body language and vocal techniques
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.” - Peter Drucker
Communications experts estimate that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language.
Smile: first impressions are crucial and the first thing someone sees is your face. Using a natural-looking smile makes a big difference in whether or not you win someone over.
Eye contact: establishing steady eye contact will help you gain both respect and affection. For video calls, look straight into the lens.
Position: Turn your body fully toward the other person to show that you’re giving them your undivided attention.
Don’t touch your face and keep your hand gestures under control: touching your face when you talk makes you seem less credible. Unexpected or wild hand gestures make you seem nervous.
Voice speed and volume: slow down from the beginning so people really listen, talking too fast gives the impression you’re chasing your thoughts or you’re afraid they will cut you off.
Pause: using effective pauses, the length of the word “pause”, will put emphasis on your words and show confidence. You can use a pause wherever there would be a full stop or a comma.
Avoid fillers: using fillers like “uh”, “so”, “kind of”, … reflects doubt and uncertainty. You can replace them with pauses if necessary.
Avoid "uptalk": at the end of a sentence, your voice is supposed to go down but more and more people raise the tone of their voice after a sentence like if they’re asking a question, leaving a very insecure impression.
Physical posture: a straight, vertical posture putting the body weight on your heels is critical for a confident image. Avoid a “vulture neck” because it will make you appear arrogant. Keep your shoulders down (high, stiff shoulders indicate stress and fear), arms relaxed along the seam of your trousers, hand palms fairly open towards the other person.
Although these elements may make you feel unnatural in the beginning, teaching yourself to be in command of how you look and speak will transform the way others perceive your communication.
As a simple exercise, you can ask someone to take notice of your body language or film yourself. Go out of the room and come back for a short introduction. It takes little practice and you’ll reap big results!
Conclusion
“Be hearty in your approbation, lavish in your praise.” – Dale Carnegie
Effective communication is all about focusing on the other: avoid criticism and complaints, give sincere positive feedback, and make the other feel important by preparing your conversation and talking in terms of their interests. Try to reach a full understanding through the art of empathic listening.
Communication is made up of more than just the words we use. Our tone of voice, facial expression, and body language all play a major role in how we’re understood.
Actionable tip: use a friend or a video camera to train your posture, body language, and vocal techniques.
Take care and stay safe,
Jürgen
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